Nov. 17, 2008, Sacramento, California.   Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced the development of a comprehensive plan to prevent the chronic and disabling fires prevalent in Southern California. The Governor spoke in his capacity as Titular Chairman of the La Brea Cinder, Sparks, and Soot Commission (CSSC). “The People of California are looking to its state leadership for putting an end to wildfires”, said the governor at the crowded press conference. “When our top scientists examined the fire triangle it became clear what must be done.”

Governor Schwarzenegger signed the Keep California From Burning Act which is to take effect June 1, 2010. In this plan, Los Angeles County and all adjoining counties will begin a comprehensive paving program with the goal of covering the entire metropolitan area with concrete and asphalt by the end of 2020. Eminent domain proceedings are scheduled to begin in early 2009. It is anticipated that approximately 15 % of the area targeted for coverage will be problematic due to citizen protest or Endangered Species Act issues.

The chairperson of the scientific advisory board to the CSSC, Dr. Pietr Detrietis, Director of Ignitions at the Jasper R. Heiny Institute of Flashpoint Studies at Pultroon College, disclosed the boards rationale in making this landmark recommendation.

“We have examined the problem very carefully and have come to the unavoidable conclusion that there are too many tonnes of fuel per hectare in the affected regions. The best solution appears to be paving over all of the fuel supply with concrete, brick, or asphalt.”

Dr. Detreitis continued with the observation that “the average Californian spends less than 2 % of their recreational time in the affected vegetated areas anyway, so paving over much of the state probably won’t be noticed.”

Governor Schwarzenegger added “The paving program will bring needed jobs to the people of California who are suffering from the effects of the economy. There will be horticultural exceptions for gardeners and a permitting process is in development for those who wish to plant approved ornamental shrubs and vegetables.”

The news was greeted with wild enthusiasm by garden centers who anticipate an uptick in demand for state approved plants. The California Paving Association was likewise enthused at hearing the news.

Not all are pleased with the news, however. The California Chapter of the American Fowl Society announced its intent to file an injunction which would block paving over certain areas known to be inhabited by Skarshanks Ground Parrot. This rare species of flightless bird is a distant member of the Parrot family and is one of the few Parrots known to be carnivorous and cannibalistic. Skarshanks Ground Parrot feeds primarily on lizards and geckos, though it has been known to attack and kill small pets. The parrot’s beak is adapted for tearing scaly flesh and dismembering skeletons. Known to inflict a serious wound, most hikers walk past the heavily camouflaged bird without realizing it is near.

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