December 3, 2008, Arroyo Oceanographic Institute, Guapo, Arizona.  Oceanographers at the Arroyo Oceanographic Institute (AOI) at Pultroon College have announced the first of what is believed to be a series of inert enzymes. Scientists discovered the mysterious enzyme in the anterior appendix of the giant salt water catfish while on a benthic noodling expedition off the coast of Tierra del Fuego. Dubbed “Uselase”, the faux enzyme is thought to be the result of a non-lethal mutation.

Dr. Hoechstus Van Toogenblatt, principle investigator on AOI’s 160 ft research vessel Belle Stugatto, noted that the peptide did hydrolyze and release glutamate during the cooking process. “Eet eez gud fer somting, ja?” he said wistfully, “makes a helluva chowder!”