Guapo, Arizona. Ecoterrorists struck the campus of Pultroon College friday evening. Authorities allege that members of TurfFirst! spiked the quadrangle on the Pultroon campus. Groundskeepers, on what was by all appearances a “routine mowing mission”, encountered spikes in the turf they were trimming. Mowers unwittingly ran over metal spikes driven into the soil. The spikes damaged cutting blades on the mowers and in one case punctured a tire.

Head groundskeeper William “Herb” Cutter stated that his crew was shaken by the incident and that he was uncertain when they would return to the mowers. “This came from out of the blue,” Cutter said, “we had no idea that we were being targeted.” 

Special Agent John Blather of the Four Corners Terrorism Task Force stated that the incident at Pultroon College was only the latest spiking under investigation and that a post-doctoral fellow was designated as a person of interest. While the identity of the post-doc has not been released, Ortho Professor of Hedge and Turf Science Elaine Deere released a statement through the public relations office at the college.

Deere stated that a full internal investigation was underway regarding the possibility of members of the college community sympathetic to TurfFirst! The effect upon letters of recommendation was unclear at this time.

Deere did offer a possible motivation for the spiking. “This is Arizona, after all. I don’t know what we were thinking trying to grow Kentucky Blue Grass in the Arizona desert. Maybe that’s why they’re torqued at us?”

TurfFirst! is a murky and poorly known ecoterror group. They have shown a preference for striking at college campuses and turf farms. TurfFirst! is a group of radicalized botanists and soil fundamentalists who have claimed in a lengthy manifesto that the soil comprises a living, global organism that is being harmed by agribusiness and “chemical plows”.

It is a loosely affiliated and non-centralized group consisting of independent cells, or “berms” as they call themselves. Numerous symbolic targets have been hit by TurfFirst! operatives over the last 5 years, including both the baseball and football halls of fame.

The leader of TurfFirst! is not known with any real certainty. However, a shadowy figure who operates under the name of “Sedge” is thought to be a key player in the turf underground movement.

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