International soft drink giants Coca Cola and Pepsi have been charged with greenhouse gas emission violations by the Europese Kooldioxidecommissie (EK) in Modderkip, The Netherlands. The soft drink manufacturers were indicted for their part in the worldwide spread of efforvescent emissions of a greenhouse gas.
Viktor Fischkopf, Titular Comissioner of the EK, issued a press release stating that the soft drink companies have been brought before the court for international conspiracy to supply carbonation for the express purpose of emission through direct efforvescence and by fugitive emissions from bottling, eructation, and flatulence. While the charges fall short of crimes against humanity, a conviction by the EK may result in embargo of goods in participating nations.
Representatives of Coca Cola and Pepsi have declined to comment. However, one executive from Coca Cola subsidiary Fanta spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We will fight this with all of the resources we can summon. If we lose this fight, the peoples of the world face the grim prospect of flat, uncarbonated Coke. It’s unthinkable. The word ‘soda’ will become meaningless.”