You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Lampoon’ category.

Dear Rep. Lamar Smith,

Yer a smart feller there, Lamar. Ya have a BA from Yale and that JD from SMU. Ya passed the bar exam and started private practice in San Antone. In 11 years ya worked yer way up ta national ‘lected office.  It’s an accomplishment no matter how’ya look at it. And that America Invents Act piled on some mighty fine improvements ta the patentin’ process. That was good work there boy.

As chair of the House Committee on Science, Space and Tech-nology, ya been perty skeptical ’bout them snooty climate science boys with their jar-gon and their uppity attitudes actin’ all high’n mighty-like ’bout climate n’such. A good ole’ boy from the Hill Country ought ta be able to pick up on that fancy c’mputer modelin’, right?

I think that ya ought ta throw some of yer many talents inta climate modelin’ yerself. You’d be doin’ the scientific folks a favor. You’d roll up yer sleeves an’ dig in ta clean’n up that po-litically correct climate data. Darn tootin’ you would. I’m sure the folks at NOAA would give ya a desk er somethin’ ta do yer cipherin’.

Give it some thought, Lamar. Shouldn’t take more’n a few Saturday afternoons ta make a big dent innit. Don’tcha think? Keep yer head on a swivel.

Th’ Gausslin’


(Texican language services provided by Elroy)





Guapo, AZ. The American Greenhouse Association (AGA) released a statement Friday in response to the Trump Administration’s denial that greenhouse warming is not based on established science. The spokesperson for the AGA, Mr. Harlan Stamen, announced that the greenhouse industry has begun a fundamental reexamination of the science behind the greenhouse effect. The AGA was one of many organizations meeting last week at their industry’s annual conference at Pultroon University.

Mr. Stamen, standing before a packed room of reporters, bluntly stated “we thought we understood how the greenhouse effect worked. Honestly, we thought that problem was solved. Then we hear from the new administration in Washington that as many as a few percent of scientists were unsure.” Stamen went on to say that greenhouse researchers were working feverishly to understand how certain substances, CO2 among them, in fact just do not absorb solar energy as believed. “Clearly”, Stamen allowed, “we have to figure this thing out. We have no clue how our greenhouses get warm in sunlight.”

The spokesperson for the White House Office of Inquisitions,  Olivia Gastly, Esq., released a statement saying that the Office is “aware of many individuals in Democrat science who think they understand these issues of climate- I mean, who knew it was so complicated-  but our belief .. our belief … is backed by many years of assurances by the very best people that using fossil fuels cannot possibly produce global warming.”

This video was produced at Pultroon Studios in Smoldering Forest, Colorado.

The subject had received 15.7 mCi of 18F-glucose 6 hours prior to filming. His current whereabouts are unknown.

May 7, 2012. Guapo, Arizona.  Imagine gliding down the steel tracks at 85 mph on your personal 2-wheel, self-balancing transport. Officials from Thrombax Transport and Burlington Northern San Simeon met at Pultroon University and negotiated an agreement to develop high speed personal rail for owners of the Segway two-wheeled personal transport. An upgrade to be made available will allow operators of two-wheel self-balancing tranport to mate their vehicles to standard gauge rail and operate on the rail system.

The new transportation mode will be limited to the northern tier of states initially.  It is anticipated that speeds of 120 mph along the rail will be possible eventually, making ground transit across the more tiresome flyover states tolerable.

According to a paper published by Pultroon University assistant adjunct Professor Harman van Hemp in the Japanese journal Bull. Shitsu Jpn, 2010, 19, 20134, the theoretical maximum speed of a 2-wheeled self-balancing vehicle is limited by lateral instability problems associated with the inner rim of the rail wheel. Prof van Hemp has devised an aerodynamic stabilizing control surface built into the fire retardant trousers of the operator. The stabilizer is actuated by a swing of the operators hip. Wind tunnel testing at Pultroon University has shown that the device is effective in subsonic flows up to a Mach number of 0.67.  While the technology is being refined by Thrombax, the all important line of merchandising and apparel is being subcontracted.

International soft drink giants Coca Cola and Pepsi have been charged with greenhouse gas emission violations by the Europese Kooldioxidecommissie (EK) in Modderkip, The Netherlands.  The soft drink manufacturers were indicted for their part in the worldwide spread of efforvescent emissions of a greenhouse gas.

Viktor Fischkopf, Titular Comissioner of the EK, issued a press release stating that the soft drink companies have been brought before the court for international conspiracy to supply carbonation for the express purpose of emission through direct efforvescence and by fugitive emissions from bottling, eructation, and flatulence. While the charges fall short of crimes against humanity, a conviction by the EK may result in embargo of goods in participating nations.

Representatives of Coca Cola and Pepsi have declined to comment. However, one executive from Coca Cola subsidiary Fanta spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We will fight this with all of the resources we can summon. If we lose this fight, the peoples of the world face the grim prospect of flat, uncarbonated Coke. It’s unthinkable. The word ‘soda’ will become meaningless.”

Pultroon University, Guapo, Arizona.  A scandal has rocked the Institute of Quantum Spot Physics at Pultroon University. A graduate student and supervising faculty member stand accused of academic fraud. The office of University Chancellor Blodwin A. Gatwick has released a statement indicating the matter was under internal investigation.

Associate professor Corey Irwin was placed on administrative leave while the graduate student, Ragnar Ostrom, faces possible suspension.

Irwin and Ostrom were initially accused of falsifying results from a series of thought experiments published in Physics Expecta Acta, 2007, Section B, 256-278.  However, it was later determined that the falsified thought experiment results were in fact plagiarized from a future thought experiment by Faroe Island physicists Spotsandottir and Dotsson. The two Faroe Island physicists were surprised to learn that their plans to falsify data were usurped by previous workers.

The Society of Thought Experimentation was contacted for comment but issued a press release stating the Society was still imagining what it’s position would be.

In solidarity with yesterdays protest against internet censorship, my porch light remained dark last night. What is normally a shining beacon of hope in the neighborhood was last night a mute and dark void.  This pocket of frigid darkness sat in silent protest to those who would presume to stunt the billion webbed neurons of this nearly-sentient being we refer to as The Internets. So it was and so it shall be.

Thus spake Th’ Gaussling.

The Eureka Vinyl Mine in La Brea, California, closed May 13 of 2011. The mine had been producing natural vinyl since 1896.  Prominent investors included Thomas Edison and Johnny Mercer. The demand for virgin vinyl has steadily dropped since the polycarbonate CD hit the market in 1982 with the release of Billy Joel’s 52nd Street.

Vinyl mining was once a vital part of the manufacturing economy in Southern California.  These rich vinyl deposits produced exceptionally high grades of vinyl late into the 1990’s. Flemish immigrant Goeskin Goossaert discovered a vein of natural vinyl while excavating a foundation in the Pasadena area in 1874.  In it’s natural form, vinylite is dark in color and is grainy and brittle with striations of styrenite. 

Not knowing what the material was, Goossaert set some ore aside for a time.  Eventually Goossaert discovered that the material melted easily and burned with a piercing odor. For a time he sold the ore as fuel under the unfortunate name of Stinkenkool. But the problem with vinylite as a fuel was that it melted and spread burning material throughout the enclosure.  This unfortunate behavior lead to several highly publicized tragedies. Soon the new fuel was shunned in favor of coal or kerosene.

Noting that the material could be molded, Goossaert contacted Thomas Edison and arranged to send samples to the Wizard of Menlo Park for evaluation. Within a short time Edison fashioned a recording cylinder out of it and patented the invention, leaving Goossaert without any share.

Other veins of vinylite were discovered and soon many applications of this thermoplastic substance were found. To a large extent, the recording industry in LA was founded on the availability of this wondrous substance. Goossaert never attained wealth from his discovery and died penniless in 1928.

April 2, 2011, Guapo, Arizona–  Investigators working under a DARPA grant are experimenting with an advanced flight control system using Wii technology.  Professor Laurentz Fine, titular director of Pultroon University’s Ornithopter Institute (PUOI), disclosed results to the public today on recent aerospace advances at PUOI. 

Professor Fine disclosed that important breakthroughs have been made in a new type of flight control system design that may influence how aircraft of the future are flown.  The prototype devised at PUOI uses motion and position sensors placed on various locations on the arms, hands, and head of the flight crew.  Vibration sensors on the throat are fitted to to the pilots detect the low frequencey growling sounds used for powerplant control input.

According to Professor Fine, the crew members may be placed in a prone position or may be seated in an upright position while operating the aircraft.  Additional sensors may be placed on the legs and feet of the pilots and weapons officers for more channels of control input.

In a typical mission profile the pilot would don a pressure suit fitted with Wii sensors that report the position and acceleration of the limbs. The pilot would buckle into a specially designed ejection seat that would allow for the desired freedom of motion.  The pilot would extend his arms horizontally to either side and issue engine commands by producing gutteral sounds on the throat sensors.

The system has only seen use in simulators at this time, but Professor Fine anticipates applications with remotely piloted vehicles and manned surveillance vehicles by 2016.  Fine suggested that a model for helicopter applications was in the works, but declined to comment further.  He did admit that uncommanded input caused by turbulence was a difficult problem, but progress has been made to control this issue.

Kennedy Space Center,  January 6, 2011.  Officials at the Kennedy Space Center released spectacular photos of the recent launch and explosion of SITCOM 2WTF. The $300 million comedy satellite was to be the first of 3 satellites to go into geostationary orbit exclusively for the Comedy Channel. Underwriters at Acme Insurance, however, weren’t laughing.

Launch Failure of SITCOM 2WTF

Lewis Black, Director of Launch Operations at the Comedy Central network, was quoted as saying “Sonofabitch!!  We put a bird on orbit dedicated to Law and Order reruns just the other day. What the hell happed to this one?”

A spokesman for Kathy Griffin, Satellite Procurement Officer for Comedy Central, said the comic had been on the phone all morning with Pixar’s Comedy Rocket Motor Division headquarters in Malibu. Griffin is reported to be quite upset and is preparing a Comedy Central tell-all special on her drunken encounters with comedy satellite celebrities like Jerry Seinfeld and George Wallace.

Veteran comic Phillis Diller is reportedly shocked by the event. She was selected to be at the cape to light the fuse for the launch.  Diller was unavailable for comment.


Blog Stats

  • 550,652 hits