Uselase Activator trans,trans-Frogadiene

Poltroon University, Guapo, Arizona. Poltroon University is proud to announce the discovery of a formerly vexing biochemical signal pathway leading to personality excursions in certain individuals. Assistant Professor of Molecular Biology Dr. Frederick “One Eye” McMurray, Ph.D., of the Department of Molecular and Tubular Biology led the research. McMurray has pinpointed the signaling pathway leading to uncontrolled blathering about certain kinds of trivia. Previously thought to be a variety of Tourette’s Syndrome, uncontrolled and prolonged outbursts of sports trivia- baseball and bowling trivia is common in the US and The Bahamas.

Poltroon University Clearly Distinguished Professor of Obscure Natural Product Chemistry, Dr. B.L. Bowelson, has discovered a new variety of psychoactive substances while surveying the jungles of central New Worcestershire, Africa. Interested in studying a frog whose skin is known for treating the dreaded jungle halitosis, Bowelson brought samples back to Poltroon and began to extract skin samples. After years of tedium a significant quantity of the previously unknown substance Frogadiene was obtained.

Isomeric forms of Frogadiene. Source: Poltroon University office of public relations.

The major isomer, trans,trans-Frogadiene, was found to be the most efficacious form in badger halitosis studies. The substance works by inhibiting the stinky and hazardous hydrogen sulfide produced by sulfur reducing bacteria. Another intriguing effect of the Frogadiene in the forest inhabitants is the enhanced ability to participate in convivial discussions. For a day or two, village victims of jungle halitosis were able to sit with family and friends without the foul breath. After imbibing a tea made from frog scraps, for a time the once blabbering halitosis victims were able to converse without the usual stream of useless information.

Noting the increased, though temporary, ability to avoid outbursts of trivia, McMurray set out to understand the molecular pharmacology of Frogadiene. The first target was the membrane enzyme uselase. This protein was already connected with stimulating the trivia peduncle of the human brain. By maceration in pH 6.9438 buffer of 30 freshly deceased brain donors, a small quantity of uselase was isolated.

The uselase isolate was treated with synthetic trans,trans-Frogadiene and crystals were produced of the complex. X-ray crystallography clearly showed the Frogadiene bound to the enzyme. Later it was found to be an activator of the protease enzyme uselase. In the presence of Frogadiene the enzyme is phosphorylated and passes into the intracellular medium. Once inside, the activated enzyme cleaves DNA which eventually leads to the production of the neurotransmitter monotonine. This neurotransmitter suppresses the urge to issue torrents of trivia.

The pharmaceutical company Azidoberg is in negotiations with Poltroon in an effort to buy the patent.

Screw the GUI- Bring Back the Buttons and Knobs

During a recent trip to Texas, I rented a car as one does. It was a 2023 Jeep something-or-other. What kind of Jeep? A white one. It turns out that I own and drive a 1998 Jeep Cherokee. Obviously, there have been continuous upgrades over the years. One of the “improvements” is the graphic user interface, GUI, controlling the radio, ventilation and navigation. Maybe some other things- I couldn’t tell. Annoyingly, the thing searches for your phone as soon as the car powers up and complains when it can’t make a connection. It’s the goddamned internet of everything slithering up around my ankles insisting on my attention.

At the risk of sounding like a Luddite, I have to say that I find the trend towards automotive graphic user interfaces quite annoying. Certain features that were once controlled by knobs or buttons are now controlled on the GUI. If you want to adjust the air conditioning while driving, there is no longer a knob to grab without taking your eyes off the road. A knob can be turned on bumpy roads without looking at it. A GUI requires that you make a precise finger contact with a screen and not have it slide around.

Auto manufacturers have known forever that car customers are like baboons when it comes to buying cars. Any shiny new thing on the vehicle will draw their attention and increase the odds of a sale. The GUI in a new car will attract customers like flies to a dung heap, they thought. The appeal of automotive modernism is a sure thing for car makers. It’s true.

The appearance of the GUI in automobiles was no doubt preceded by a highly focused sales campaign by the electronics industry. I can just see it. Conference rooms packed with C-suite executives watching slick presentations touting the inevitability of the automotive GUI and the excitement of customers swarming dealerships waving cash at the sales team. What a wondrous future it is that lies before us. How can we cram every bell and whistle into these blessed touch screens? How can we print money even faster?

I am making a stand here and now to keep the control knob and the button, well known by the ancients to be reliable and simple. So it was and so it shall be.

The GUI is something that I will resist until I move from being on the top of the grass to 6 feet below the grass. Ok, I guess I am being a Luddite here but I don’t care.

Back into Bed with What’s-His-Name

The news cycle is presently focused on the meeting of Putin with a certain dictator of an impoverished nuclear state. Evidently, they agreed to hold hands against western imperialism and hegemony. That agreement just drips with irony about fighting imperialism. But it’s in the nature of dictators to claim to protect the state against the very thing they bring to their nations.

Having to stoop to sourcing arms and making nice with the waddling leader of the land of missiles and starvation must nauseate Putin in his reflective moments. But for now, he is tarting up the relationship as “statesmanship” with a former client state. Ok, maybe he’ll have to share secret rocket science technology and lessons in orbital mechanics with the tin-pot dictator of Asian Lilliput. Has to be done, I s’pose.

Over time, many of Russia’s institutions have been hollowed out to a husk by corruption and theft. Was this a symptom or a feature of Tsar Putin’s leadership? Maybe that is how you retain power- allow people to pilfer but rack-up debt to the leader.

At minimum, an influx of arms from what’s-his-name can only mean prolonging the Putin-Ukraine war. Putin’s people will do battle with garden tools if he so desires it. Ole Pootie-poot is just followin’ in the footsteps of Uncle Joe.

Standard Taper Joints- A New Beginning

Poltroon University, Guapo, Arizona, 7 September, 2023. The Starkrakken Institute and the Poltroon University Semi-Analytical Chemistry department will partner with the National Institute of Standards headquartered in Gaither Brothers, MD, to develop new and improved specifications for the standard taper joint used in chemical laboratories. After months of meetings on the need for a disruptive change in the field, a special committee has been formed from sales managers from across the international glassware industry as well as two emeritus adjunct professors from Poltroon. MBAs from across the industry applaud this disruptive change.

This change comes at a time when the geometry of chemical glassware is evolving. The once standard circular cross-section of glassware is gradually being replaced by those with an elliptical cross section. This disruptive change started in pharmaceuticals and is gradually descending into academia.

The new Elliptical Ground Glass Joint (patent pending).

Joint clips will need updating as well. Representatives from the Joint-Clip Injection Molders Alliance Group will convene a special subcommittee on this matter. Joint clip injection molders from across the globe will be invited to provide input. The prestigious Joint-Clip Injection Moulder’s Guild of the Faroe Islands will preside over this effort.

“University chemistry departments will complain vigorously,” said committee chairperson Deborah Ann Harry, Sales Director at Kimble-Brontes, “but they’re always bitchin’. They’ll get over it, they always do.”

There is one issue to contend with, Harry said, and “that is the inability to rotate joints with an elliptical cross-section joint.” Harry noted that this was an opportunity to offer rotating adapters as an up-sell. “We’re selling steak, not sizzle,” Harry added.

Santos Awarded Chair at Prestigious University

The Department of Symbolism at Poltroon University in Guapo, Arizona, is proud to announce that Representative George Santos (R, NY) has been awarded the Arthur E. and Katherine T. Slush Foundation Chair in Mendacity Studies. University Distinguished Professor Santos will deliver a seminar on Friday, April 7, in the John Wilkes Booth Auditorium at 4:30 pm on the “History of American Mendacity”. Coffee and cookies will be served at 4:00.

Gas Coalification Pilot Plant Startup 2Q2024

Engineers at the Gas Coalification Institute at Poltroon University in Guapo, AZ, have produced a breakthrough in the coalification of natural gas (CNG). Professor Horst Graben, Director of the GCI, announced a breakthrough in the carbonization of desulfurized natural gas. Graben said that using existing rail infrastructure to transport bulk carbonized natural gas would be more economically feasible than building gas pipelines to remaining coal fired power plants. He went on to say that plants burning this new fuel would not generate water vapor, eliminating a source of corrosion. The conversion from coal to CNG would require minimal modification of equipment.

Graben also disclosed a new process for the capture of CO2 and its direct incorporation into beer and soft drinks. Graben said that CO2-capture breweries and soft drink bottling plants could be built alongside the CNG power plants. The plans call for power plant exhaust to be piped across the fence to the beverage plants for immediate CO2 capture, eliminating the need for storage. Major bottling companies have already expressed interest.

The GCI plans to start up a pilot-scale plant in Confounded, Montana, in the second quarter of 2024. A 100 million metric ton per year plant is currently in the design phase.

The Idiot and Poststructuralism

ANNOUNCEMENT

Colloquium at The Center for Contemporary Idiocy, Rand Paul Auditorium

Poltroon University, Guapo AZ

The Center for Contemporary Idiocy is pleased to announce a lecture and panel discussion on “The Demise of Roe v Wade: Will Anti-Abortion Single Issue Voters Continue to Vote Republican?”

The Idjota Award for Graduate Studies in Western Idiocracy will be given after the speaker.

Guest Speaker: Dr. Horst Statek van Klingenn, Distinguished Fellow, The Institute for Poststructuralism and Malign Idiocy, Pan Handle College, OK.

6:30 PM Refreshments

7:00 PM Speaker

8:06 PM Panel Discussion

Lamar, my boy, show ’em how it’s done.

Dear Rep. Lamar Smith,

Yer a smart feller there, Lamar. Ya have a BA from Yale and that JD from SMU. Ya passed the bar exam and started private practice in San Antone. In 11 years ya worked yer way up ta national ‘lected office.  It’s an accomplishment no matter how’ya look at it. And that America Invents Act piled on some mighty fine improvements ta the patentin’ process. That was good work there boy.

As chair of the House Committee on Science, Space and Tech-nology, ya been perty skeptical ’bout them snooty climate science boys with their jar-gon and their uppity attitudes actin’ all high’n mighty-like ’bout climate n’such. A good ole’ boy from the Hill Country ought ta be able to pick up on that fancy c’mputer modelin’, right?

I think that ya ought ta throw some of yer many talents inta climate modelin’ yerself. You’d be doin’ the scientific folks a favor. You’d roll up yer sleeves an’ dig in ta clean’n up that po-litically correct climate data. Darn tootin’ you would. I’m sure the folks at NOAA would give ya a desk er somethin’ ta do yer cipherin’.

Give it some thought, Lamar. Shouldn’t take more’n a few Saturday afternoons ta make a big dent innit. Don’tcha think? Keep yer head on a swivel.

Th’ Gausslin’

 

(Texican language services provided by Elroy)

 

 

 

 

Panic in Greenhouse Community

Guapo, AZ. The American Greenhouse Association (AGA) released a statement Friday in response to the Trump Administration’s denial that greenhouse warming is not based on established science. The spokesperson for the AGA, Mr. Harlan Stamen, announced that the greenhouse industry has begun a fundamental reexamination of the science behind the greenhouse effect. The AGA was one of many organizations meeting last week at their industry’s annual conference at Pultroon University.

Mr. Stamen, standing before a packed room of reporters, bluntly stated “we thought we understood how the greenhouse effect worked. Honestly, we thought that problem was solved. Then we hear from the new administration in Washington that as many as a few percent of scientists were unsure.” Stamen went on to say that greenhouse researchers were working feverishly to understand how certain substances, CO2 among them, in fact just do not absorb solar energy as believed. “Clearly”, Stamen allowed, “we have to figure this thing out. We have no clue how our greenhouses get warm in sunlight.”

The spokesperson for the White House Office of Inquisitions,  Olivia Gastly, Esq., released a statement saying that the Office is “aware of many individuals in Democrat science who think they understand these issues of climate- I mean, who knew it was so complicated-  but our belief .. our belief … is backed by many years of assurances by the very best people that using fossil fuels cannot possibly produce global warming.”

Life with Anti-Matter

This video was produced at Pultroon Studios in Smoldering Forest, Colorado.

The subject had received 15.7 mCi of 18F-glucose 6 hours prior to filming. His current whereabouts are unknown.